Tag I'm it!

Thanks for bringing me back Ang.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. wishing I had my own house
2. making a flower costume for halloween to go with Jerm the giant bee
3. getting excited to party like it's 1999
4. staying up late watching "Rudy" in the hospital with Ashley
5. loving coming home to an immaculate apartment everyday thanks to Jerm (those days are gone)

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. volunteer in Zander's class
2. have a fun den meeting for 11 cub scouts
3. plan Nate's engagement party menu
4. paint my fingernails in front of the TV
5. update my blog (check!)

5 favorite snacks:
1. Jell-o sugar free milk chocolate pudding
2. potato chips with clam dip
3. boiled raisin cake
4. Jerm's inventive no-sugar smoothies
5. room temperature watermelon with salt

5 jobs I've had:
1. Sears paint & hardware dept.
2. ZCMI display and candy window maker
3. Furniture peddler at San Fran Design
4. gal Friday for Robert McArthur
5. sandwich maker at Schmidt's pastry cottage

5 things I would do with a million bucks:
1. pay off the mortgages of my house, my folks house, and the Santini's house plus a condo for Ash.
2. build a home studio and buy some fancy photo equipment to start a biz.
3. buy Jerm a pick-up truck then fly to Paris and go to the top of the Eiffel Tower with him, stay in a fancy hotel and eat delicious food
4. take Vinny to Egypt to see the pyramids
5. take Zan to "Camp Rock" so he could be in a band

5 things that made me laugh this week:
1. my photo vision teacher telling us that laughing during a "brainstorm" was inappropriate.
2. my drawing teacher using Hung Vu as an example of work ethic
3. looking at pictures of linc make his pancake puffs
4. listening to my boys sing the words to songs they shouldn't know
5. watching my boys play little league flag football

5 people I tag to answer these questions:
1. Ashley
2. Natalie
3. Adam
4. Jordan
5. Kelly

First Day of School

Me Freshman- Salt Lake Community College

 The fears of starting a new school when you're 34 years old are not very different than when you're 13. I tried to dress as neutrally as possible so I wouldn't standout right away, didn't work. My first teacher of the day called unneeded attention to my shoes giving a lecture, no less than 6 full minutes long, about the overpricing of canvas-top converse  athletic shoes. Whatever. One very different thing that happened to me this time around was: I got hit on! Even asked out to lunch. Okay, it was by my old high school math teacher but I'm still counting it.

Jerm Undergrad- Weber State University

He didn't say much about it except he stayed awake. That's a plus. He was a little miffed when he had to pay full price for a parking pass when he goes to school at night and the parking lot is empty.

Vinny & Zan 3rd and 1st grade- Providence Hall Elementary

As we approached the school the streets were crowded with parked cars and mothers walking their kids in for their first day. Zander spoke up quickly, "Oh those poor poor kids that need their moms to show them where to go." Vinny agreed and that was my hint not to park and walk them to their classes. I felt a little odd when I pulled up to the drop-off and was the only car there. My boys didn't seem to care. They hopped right out of the car like they'd been going there for years, blew me a kiss and took off into the school. When I picked them up that afternoon they told me about their "great" days and delicious lunches and the fun games they played at recess, pizza tag and wall-ball. They didn't even know that I was 35 minutes late picking them up! I seem to have dozed off after I got home from class and woke up at 4:00 in a frenzied panic. I flew down the stairs forgetting to put my still-sleeping feet in front of me and landed in a crumpled mess at the bottom. I picked myself up, jumped in the car and sped all the way there, sure I was going to be met by crying kids and disapproving teachers. But no, the doting mothers that had to walk their kids to their classes that morning were still in a line 2 blocks long trying to pick their kids up! (they probably couldn't find their own way out.) Hallelujah. By the time I got to the front of the line they were apologizing to me for making it such a hassle. I forgave them but told them not to let it happen again. :)

It sounded like a good idea. Four days of fun and games without the kids for our 11th anniversary. We even flew down and had a pretty nice hotel room.
Things don't always turn out as planned. Jerm doesn't gamble but I did talk him into a Bingo game or two. Then things took a bad turn and we spent an entire day in the emergency room. Jerm had an acute attack of Diverticulitis. weird. We ended up postponing our flight home and paying for another night in the hotel and another day with the rental car. bummer. Jerm spent our extra day drugged up and in bed. I spent the day walking around the fancy malls and eating out alone. It was definitely a memorable trip. The boys had a GREAT time hanging out with cousins and having 4 slumber parties.
We've been home now for weeks but man I guess it took longer to recover than usual. I think I'm still working on vacation laundry! whatever.
My boys think this blogging thing is pretty cool so they asked me to set one up for them. Look for their links coming soon. They write down exactly what they want and I'll post for them. They take all their own pictures and are in charge of content (with some motherly editing by yours truly).

*WARNING- not for the squeamish

I'll apologize in advance for the content in this blog. However, this is my life la dee da. I like collecting bottles. I have quite a lovely grouping. Some old ones from uncle Shirl and the little brown one that used to hold those nasty fluoride pills my mom would make me chew. I have found a couple at yard sales and I have received a few of them as gifts. I like to set my collection on a window ledge so they light up in the sun. Their current home is on the nice wide ledge in front of the big window in my family room. In the basement. Also known as "the dungeon".  Okay, I call it the dungeon because it's a little dim and the only people who spend any time down there are the kids. Usually 6 or so at a time. Another hobby of mine, besides the bottle collecting, is cleaning up pee. Call it a pet peeve, call it OCD call it basic housekeeping, whatever. I can't stand the smell of urine. I know most people can't but I believe I have super-sensory sniffing power and pee smell makes me crazy. This is a difficult power to live with being the mother of two young boys. I teach them not to just wipe the seat, but also the sides of the bowl, the bottom around the stupid caps that always fall off,

 the floor around the toilet and the space between the tank and where it attaches to the bowl. We're still learning. Another source of fragrance comes from a sweet boy not being completely "in control" at night. But, nighttime underwear is supposed to go directly outside first thing in the morning. Why does he feel the need to hide them underneath puffs of lint in the laundry room garbage can? gross. I don't have any pets but yet, I find myself on my hands and knees more often than I'd like examining wet spots with my gifted scent seeker. gag. 

Sometimes there's a toughy. That smell you just can't find the source of? Usually a dishrag

 fallen behind the washer or a sippy cup of milk left behind by a darling little cousin that rolled under a piece of furniture. Well I've had one of those phantom scents, and it smelled like pee! I won't admit how long it has gone on. In fact, I almost resigned myself to the sad truth that my house would smell like that forever. 

Mystery solved.

Remember my lovely bottles sparkling in the sun? Yeah that's right. Couldn't quite make it up the stairs to make it in to the bathroom. My mind is still reeling.  A capped bottle of  yellow liquid sitting amongst my lovelies. Only one of my darling children was home at the time of discovery and he promptly denied any liability. Until, I told him that I could take the specimen to a lab and have it tested for DNA. He fell for it and fessed up. Then the other darling child came home. I already had my culprit so I just wanted to know wh

at he knew about the incident and why he didn't rat out his brother. As soon as I said "bottle of pee", he instantly apologized and begged for my forgiveness. WHAT?! There's another pee bottle hidden in the basement?!?

Welcome to my life.

I am a Scout.

It took me a few days to recover from my latest adventure. Nine days in the high Uintahs. You know the place where all the boy scouts get lost? Yeah that's where I was. I was there to be on staff for an adult leadership course called Wood Badge. Overall, it was great. Good people, beautiful scenery (although, I can appreciate the scenery from afar I really don't need to live in it) and some fantastic training. I have interpreted the Scout Law to give you a glimpse of my experience.

A scout is:

Trustworthy- To be trusted you also have to trust. Thanks to Jerm and my fam for taking good care of my boys.

Loyal- I am completely loyal to Deep Woods Off. The only brand of bug repellant that comes close to fending off the giant furry mosquitos whose poky things are so big  it feels like a tetanus shot every time they bite you.

Helpful- When the diabetic lady was sad because everyone else was eating ice-cream, I let her have ONE of my sugar-free chocolate puddings.

Friendly- But after a week, let's keep the friendliness at arm's length. What is the link between huggers and an aversion to deodorant?

Courteous- I don't know what it is about men in the mountains and the constant need to belch. To their credit, whenever they noticed I was around they usually excused themselves.

Kind- After spending HOURS trying to set up 4 teepees in the rain, a group of Native American boys  that happened upon us were kind enough to show us how it should be done.

Obedient- I set my own rules to stick to a pretty strict diet while I was there so I wouldn't get sick. I did it and lost 4 more pounds as a bonus!

Cheerful- Because she knows she has a secret stash of fancy edibles hidden in the lodge and she doesn't have to eat what's in front of her.

Thrifty- But not so thrifty that he sacrifices the quality of food he's giving other people to eat. gag.

Brave- I slept in a spider-filled tent for 8 nights being regularly visited by oversized squirrels that pooped on my floor.

Clean-Take a shower people! We had facilities. They may have been cold, dark, full of bugs and open to the world but the water was clean.

Reverent- Every night I would pray. I thanked my heavenly father for keeping my family safe and for allowing someone to invent earplugs.

My humble abode.

Stinkin' squirrels.

The facilities.

Happy Birthday Angie!

Hi! I'm sorry I'm not there in person to sing Happy Birthday to you. I'm still in the woods. I hope you get to do something fun today or at least get out of changing any diapers all day.  I'll be thinking about you. See you soon!

 This picture was taken on your 6th birthday. Adam, Jordan, you & me. I remember being in charge of the balloons. 

Good Luck Ash!

I wish I was there to sleep out on the sidewalk and be in the middle of all the weirdos and I can't believe I'm missing my chance to stand with Ryan Seacrest outside the big double doors and wait for you to come through with your golden ticket. Don't forget to bring snacks (I totally would have had that covered) and whoever your going with, make sure they go first, they always pick the second one in a pair. Have fun and good luck! I can't wait to hear all about it.

Here I am!

It feels a while since I've let you all in my daily doings. So here you go, I couldn't stop myself and wrote three. 

 This week Ozzy asked me if he could have "one of those things that you put on yourself when you eat breakfast or watch tv and you don't want to get dressed first".  Do you mean a robe?  Yeah, a Robe! 

 I thought of aunt Debbie. If her kids asked for something like that, she'd just whip one up herself.  In an hour or so later, brand new robes.  Well, it doesn't work exactly like that in my world, but I gave it a shot.  I'm going to learn how to sew if it kills me, it just might. I seriously don't even know how to read a pattern. But, thanks to several trips over to my neighbor, pattern instructions in hand, 2 DAYS, a stiff neck and several pricked fingers later...

Ta Da!  They may not be perfect but my boys are completely satisfied and ready to watch tv without the bother of putting clothes on. I was even able to customize them per their requests. They picked out their own fabric. Ozzy wanted his longer with a hood.  Ownie wanted his a little shorter, no hood, just a "comfy" collar.  I feel so domestic!

Take a hike!

If my boys have a choice of what they want to do any given afternoon, they'll pick go on a hike.  They do not inherit this love of exerting yourself in the heat of the day from me. Luckily for them, their dad is more accommodating. We happen to live in a great place for such an activity, 2 minutes away and you're on a trail to the mountains. This time my two little explorers came back with pockets full of rocks and these great pics.

The other day I found out that my cute neighbor Caylen nominated my cute husband Jerm for recognition as a "Herriman Hero". This is his letter:

My name is Caylen Craven and I am 17. I am nominating Jereme Gardner for the Herriman Hero award.  Jereme is my neighbor and an excellent role model and friend to everybody.  Jereme can almost always be found helping other people in the community.  When he is not helping his neighbors move heavy objects or do yard work, he is often found with the cub scouts showing them cool tricks and teaching them while he is at it.  

He knows how to have fun no matter what, he's famous in our area for his magnificent snow c

astles that he spends hours and hours building, much to the delight of the neighborhood kids. 

 I have seen him set up tepees in his backyard for the kids to sleep in and is always coming up with

 some cool new idea to build.  He also enjoys hanging out with me and my friends.

 He taught us how to make our own throwing knives and hatchets using his equipment in his garage and he is always ready to give us advice and pieces of wisdom about life.  Jereme is the most deserving Herriman Hero that I could know. 

Isn't that nice? He really is that fun.

UPDATES:

Ode to Apple- I sent my diddy to Apple headquarters and they responded. They said there was nothing they could do for me (as if) but they appreciate my creativity in expressing my dissatisfaction through poetry. Isn't that a hoot?

Dutch oven cash prize- Took Jerm out to a nice dinner and will put the rest toward Guitar Hero On Tour for my Nintendo DS. I think I have my dad talked into teaming up with me for the next competition.

Braces- Still raising the down payment. I guess that prize money should have gone in the pot.

School- Meeting with my academic advisor today!

No Sugar- Headaches have been better and I've lost 7 pounds. Still want a cookie BAD!

Bra- still hangin' in there.

My competitive nature

I know I'm a fairly competitive person, and that's fine. The problem is, If I have a fair understanding of something I figure I can compete at it. Sometimes it works out, other times not so much (key lime pie comes to mind).

Well, yesterday I entered a Dutch Oven Cook-off. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually cooked in a dutch oven. However, I have watched my dad do it for years and I read up on the internet so I had a fairly good understanding of how to pull it off. It was a real kick. There was a good mix of competitors, some first-timers and some die-hards. Here's what I made: 

Raspberry-Apricot glazed cornish game hens with wild rice stuffing. 

Black & White Cheesecake with a chocolate almond crust.

Aren't they pretty? Well, the cheesecake looks better than it tasted and got 3rd place. The hens on the other hand took first! Woohoo! Cash prizes too. It was so fun you might find me at the state fair. I wonder what other competitions are waiting for me out there...

17 Going on 34

I love that movie. I saw it in the theatre the first time and the urge to get up and dance to Thriller was almost too strong to resist. 

Well, I have recently had a few flashbacks myself. When I was 17 I went to the orthodontist to get set up with braces. I foolishly decided against them, being too self-conscious or vain to sport metal choppers my senior year of high school. That was also the year I was preparing for college. I had tests to take and classes to register for. 

Here we go again. I went to the orthodontist yesterday. He told me I will need to wear braces for about 2 years. That's if I'm diligent with my elastics. The deterrent this time around has nothing to do with how I'll look, but how I'll pay for it.  Our insurance pays for braces but only if you're under 19. So, the grand total of $4800 lies solely with me. Wow.

Another thing I did yesterday was take my college placement test.  The boys will both be in school all day this fall so I thought I'd just do the same. It's been about 12 years since I've been to college and more like 16 since I've taken a math class. This test was all math and english. Jerm tried to convince me to study but I don't think I've EVER done that successfully. So I didn't. I wasn't worried about the english section. Should have been. Turns out I need to take an english class. I was worried about the math section. I don't even remember what a logarithm is, let alone how to do one. Much to my pleasant suprise, I did really well. Thankfully there wasn't a logarithm in sight. I AM a math genius after all! :) I've always been fond of those little x's and y's and they came through for me.

As I look through the college catalog and narrow down the classes I want to take, I keep coming back to the dance section. I've always loved taking dance classes. Although some things haven't changed much since I was 17, some things should have. I should be less willing to frolic about in a leotard. Intro to Ballet- Here I come!

Ode to Apple

Apple, why do you hurt me so?

I just bought my new iPhone.

Of course it's too late to be exchanged,

falling outside your ten-day range

It's still brand new and yet, outdated.

Don't you know how long I waited-

to to get this fancy little thing

that makes me smile each time it rings?

But now you've created something better,

Oh, I was tempted to write a letter!

Twice as fast and half the price?

Come on now, that's just not nice.

For years I've been a loyal fan,

defending you as best I can.

But this might be the straw

that broke the back

of the proverbial camel:

my love for mac.

I feel so passionately about it now.

I will have to try and forgive, somehow.

See, we're made for each other, apple and me

It's not like I would ever buy a PC.

Size 14 is not fat...but it kinda is.

• Ownie came to me very excited one afternoon with a revelation. "Mom, there's a woman on tv that will help take the fat off of you! Isn't that nice? Her name is Jenny, I wrote her phone number down for you."
  
• A lovely older woman gave me a nice compliment at church last week. Then she put her arm around my waist. At that moment, my full-torso girdle gave up and rolled down right under her hand.
• When I make comments about being big nobody says "oh please"anymore.
  
• Jerm and I had our BMI's tested we both came out on the overweight or obese side of the chart. However, the guy administering the test turned to Jerm and said, "Because of your extra large muscle mass (a.k.a. freakish strength) your test isn't accurate and you're not as overweight as the chart states." He didn't say anything to me.
  
• I wear the largest women's pants you can get at the Scout shop. 
• My dad was helping me shop for a motorcycle. When I told him what model I was looking at, he told me to check the suspension. (In his defense, he may have thought it was for Jerm)

You'd think any one of these things would be enough to make me think-"Hey, I should probably lose some weight or get in better shape". But no. The thing is, when I picture myself in my mind, I'm pretty hot. Call it delusional or call it really good self-esteem your choice.  However, pictures don't lie. That's right folks, me in a two piece swimsuit. The cold soft truth.

I haven't done much to change, until now. I've been getting horrible migraines and figured out that sugar makes them worse.  So to relieve the pain and nausea, I gave it up. It's been three weeks since I bid farewell to my favorite flavor, sweet.

A side-effect of this sacrifice has been a slight weight loss. So, I'm going to pretend that I meant to do that. Plus, I'm actually going to try. As motivation I posted my 'before' shot.  If all goes well, I'll keep posting my progress. If things aren't going so great, don't ask me about it, just pretend like this never happened. :)

They don't make 'em like they used to.

So the time has come again.  The annual trip to the mall to visit that hot pink polka-dotted lace and satin wonderland.  You know the one with the men standing outside the doors trying not to look inside, holding bags for their significant others that have been lulled into submission with a noxious mix of perfume and massage oils. Why do I come back? I keep asking myself that. The truth is, Vicky makes a good brassiere.

I don't own too many bras.  In fact I only keep one "good" one at a time. Sure there's last years model kicking around with the safety pin holding it together that I throw on when I'm working in the yard.  I also have the obligatory sports bra, the cheap one, the one that gives me a claustrophobic panic attack each time I have to put it on or take it off. Not a big deal, I don't work out much.

Actually my yearly bra-shopping holiday came by about four months ago.  I tried a new approach. I shopped a two-for-one sale at Macy's.  They're a reputable mainstream department store.  They must sell dozens of bras everyday to women of all shaped and sizes. I'm not freakish or anything, I'm sure I can find several options to suit my needs.  I tried on bras for an hour and finally walked away with two winners.  First: an everyday full coverage second: a subtle push-up for those times when boobs halfway down to my bellybutton just won't do. 

Well, a couple of months later, I find out the "everyday full coverage" isn't doing so well in the "coverage" department.  Nipplemania.  Of course I had to be told this, as I hadn't recognized the problem for myself over the previous months (obviously I need a better mirror).  So thanks to Ang for her late but much appreciated observation.  I only wish there weren't  a discussion held about my apparent chilliness to decide who would break the news to me.  Now for the push-up, who doesn't enjoy a little lift? Whatever, I was pushed up, over and out.  The little piece of fabric that was supposed to hold the two cups together kept stretching out.  I twisted the bra over and over as time went by to keep my bosoms from hanging out by themselves as the cups kept migrating under my armpits. I did catch a glimpse of this as I walked past the big picture window at Chili's.  Four boobs is not a good look for book club.

So, here I am again in a dressing room with a handful of bras staring at the neon sign above the full-length mirror that reads, "strip".  So I do.  I choose the Body by Victoria full coverage with ample lining.  Perfect for my full ampleness.  I feel confident that it's going to do the job.  I approach the cash register with the little cute blond girl waiting to help me.  She asks if the one bra is all I'm getting. I assure her, at $50 a pop, it is.  "White is so boring! Why don't you spice it up a little with our new leopard print or another one of our yummy colors?"  I can't believe this seventeen-year-old girl is telling me I should "spice things up".  She doesn't know me.  "I'm plenty spicy thank you very much."  Then I took my pretty pink striped bag and left.  See you next year.