UPDATES:

Ode to Apple- I sent my diddy to Apple headquarters and they responded. They said there was nothing they could do for me (as if) but they appreciate my creativity in expressing my dissatisfaction through poetry. Isn't that a hoot?

Dutch oven cash prize- Took Jerm out to a nice dinner and will put the rest toward Guitar Hero On Tour for my Nintendo DS. I think I have my dad talked into teaming up with me for the next competition.

Braces- Still raising the down payment. I guess that prize money should have gone in the pot.

School- Meeting with my academic advisor today!

No Sugar- Headaches have been better and I've lost 7 pounds. Still want a cookie BAD!

Bra- still hangin' in there.

My competitive nature

I know I'm a fairly competitive person, and that's fine. The problem is, If I have a fair understanding of something I figure I can compete at it. Sometimes it works out, other times not so much (key lime pie comes to mind).

Well, yesterday I entered a Dutch Oven Cook-off. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually cooked in a dutch oven. However, I have watched my dad do it for years and I read up on the internet so I had a fairly good understanding of how to pull it off. It was a real kick. There was a good mix of competitors, some first-timers and some die-hards. Here's what I made: 

Raspberry-Apricot glazed cornish game hens with wild rice stuffing. 

Black & White Cheesecake with a chocolate almond crust.

Aren't they pretty? Well, the cheesecake looks better than it tasted and got 3rd place. The hens on the other hand took first! Woohoo! Cash prizes too. It was so fun you might find me at the state fair. I wonder what other competitions are waiting for me out there...

17 Going on 34

I love that movie. I saw it in the theatre the first time and the urge to get up and dance to Thriller was almost too strong to resist. 

Well, I have recently had a few flashbacks myself. When I was 17 I went to the orthodontist to get set up with braces. I foolishly decided against them, being too self-conscious or vain to sport metal choppers my senior year of high school. That was also the year I was preparing for college. I had tests to take and classes to register for. 

Here we go again. I went to the orthodontist yesterday. He told me I will need to wear braces for about 2 years. That's if I'm diligent with my elastics. The deterrent this time around has nothing to do with how I'll look, but how I'll pay for it.  Our insurance pays for braces but only if you're under 19. So, the grand total of $4800 lies solely with me. Wow.

Another thing I did yesterday was take my college placement test.  The boys will both be in school all day this fall so I thought I'd just do the same. It's been about 12 years since I've been to college and more like 16 since I've taken a math class. This test was all math and english. Jerm tried to convince me to study but I don't think I've EVER done that successfully. So I didn't. I wasn't worried about the english section. Should have been. Turns out I need to take an english class. I was worried about the math section. I don't even remember what a logarithm is, let alone how to do one. Much to my pleasant suprise, I did really well. Thankfully there wasn't a logarithm in sight. I AM a math genius after all! :) I've always been fond of those little x's and y's and they came through for me.

As I look through the college catalog and narrow down the classes I want to take, I keep coming back to the dance section. I've always loved taking dance classes. Although some things haven't changed much since I was 17, some things should have. I should be less willing to frolic about in a leotard. Intro to Ballet- Here I come!

Ode to Apple

Apple, why do you hurt me so?

I just bought my new iPhone.

Of course it's too late to be exchanged,

falling outside your ten-day range

It's still brand new and yet, outdated.

Don't you know how long I waited-

to to get this fancy little thing

that makes me smile each time it rings?

But now you've created something better,

Oh, I was tempted to write a letter!

Twice as fast and half the price?

Come on now, that's just not nice.

For years I've been a loyal fan,

defending you as best I can.

But this might be the straw

that broke the back

of the proverbial camel:

my love for mac.

I feel so passionately about it now.

I will have to try and forgive, somehow.

See, we're made for each other, apple and me

It's not like I would ever buy a PC.

Size 14 is not fat...but it kinda is.

• Ownie came to me very excited one afternoon with a revelation. "Mom, there's a woman on tv that will help take the fat off of you! Isn't that nice? Her name is Jenny, I wrote her phone number down for you."
  
• A lovely older woman gave me a nice compliment at church last week. Then she put her arm around my waist. At that moment, my full-torso girdle gave up and rolled down right under her hand.
• When I make comments about being big nobody says "oh please"anymore.
  
• Jerm and I had our BMI's tested we both came out on the overweight or obese side of the chart. However, the guy administering the test turned to Jerm and said, "Because of your extra large muscle mass (a.k.a. freakish strength) your test isn't accurate and you're not as overweight as the chart states." He didn't say anything to me.
  
• I wear the largest women's pants you can get at the Scout shop. 
• My dad was helping me shop for a motorcycle. When I told him what model I was looking at, he told me to check the suspension. (In his defense, he may have thought it was for Jerm)

You'd think any one of these things would be enough to make me think-"Hey, I should probably lose some weight or get in better shape". But no. The thing is, when I picture myself in my mind, I'm pretty hot. Call it delusional or call it really good self-esteem your choice.  However, pictures don't lie. That's right folks, me in a two piece swimsuit. The cold soft truth.

I haven't done much to change, until now. I've been getting horrible migraines and figured out that sugar makes them worse.  So to relieve the pain and nausea, I gave it up. It's been three weeks since I bid farewell to my favorite flavor, sweet.

A side-effect of this sacrifice has been a slight weight loss. So, I'm going to pretend that I meant to do that. Plus, I'm actually going to try. As motivation I posted my 'before' shot.  If all goes well, I'll keep posting my progress. If things aren't going so great, don't ask me about it, just pretend like this never happened. :)

They don't make 'em like they used to.

So the time has come again.  The annual trip to the mall to visit that hot pink polka-dotted lace and satin wonderland.  You know the one with the men standing outside the doors trying not to look inside, holding bags for their significant others that have been lulled into submission with a noxious mix of perfume and massage oils. Why do I come back? I keep asking myself that. The truth is, Vicky makes a good brassiere.

I don't own too many bras.  In fact I only keep one "good" one at a time. Sure there's last years model kicking around with the safety pin holding it together that I throw on when I'm working in the yard.  I also have the obligatory sports bra, the cheap one, the one that gives me a claustrophobic panic attack each time I have to put it on or take it off. Not a big deal, I don't work out much.

Actually my yearly bra-shopping holiday came by about four months ago.  I tried a new approach. I shopped a two-for-one sale at Macy's.  They're a reputable mainstream department store.  They must sell dozens of bras everyday to women of all shaped and sizes. I'm not freakish or anything, I'm sure I can find several options to suit my needs.  I tried on bras for an hour and finally walked away with two winners.  First: an everyday full coverage second: a subtle push-up for those times when boobs halfway down to my bellybutton just won't do. 

Well, a couple of months later, I find out the "everyday full coverage" isn't doing so well in the "coverage" department.  Nipplemania.  Of course I had to be told this, as I hadn't recognized the problem for myself over the previous months (obviously I need a better mirror).  So thanks to Ang for her late but much appreciated observation.  I only wish there weren't  a discussion held about my apparent chilliness to decide who would break the news to me.  Now for the push-up, who doesn't enjoy a little lift? Whatever, I was pushed up, over and out.  The little piece of fabric that was supposed to hold the two cups together kept stretching out.  I twisted the bra over and over as time went by to keep my bosoms from hanging out by themselves as the cups kept migrating under my armpits. I did catch a glimpse of this as I walked past the big picture window at Chili's.  Four boobs is not a good look for book club.

So, here I am again in a dressing room with a handful of bras staring at the neon sign above the full-length mirror that reads, "strip".  So I do.  I choose the Body by Victoria full coverage with ample lining.  Perfect for my full ampleness.  I feel confident that it's going to do the job.  I approach the cash register with the little cute blond girl waiting to help me.  She asks if the one bra is all I'm getting. I assure her, at $50 a pop, it is.  "White is so boring! Why don't you spice it up a little with our new leopard print or another one of our yummy colors?"  I can't believe this seventeen-year-old girl is telling me I should "spice things up".  She doesn't know me.  "I'm plenty spicy thank you very much."  Then I took my pretty pink striped bag and left.  See you next year.